down by the sea side the atmosphere was sticky from the salt in the air
she walked by and broke off a flower from the near by vine
as the sun was setting she sighed and placed the purple bloom in her hair.
the soon to be evening sky was clear, the clouds were scattered thin
exchanging their shape with new colors on their skin
the over sized star of glowing yellow and oranges sank slowly into the hills
a breeze blew on by and gave her brownish complexion chills.
there's nothing to do in this small town
too simple for words, too complex for meaning
no where to go, and nothing to see
she sat on the dock, and played with a pebble that was left behind.
she rolled it on her finger tips, touching the wet wood
her eyes were set onto the emptiness of the water
small currents began to move with the motions of the delicate wind
she sighed again, and threw the pebble into the water
the splashing softened and made endless ripples
small stretching to big, and big becoming large,
until it was oversized and it reached her feet.
Her ears awakened with the familiar noises voiced by the night life
frogs singing to their mates, and crickets playing their symphonies
the radiant glowing that beamed from the fireflies-
a display of luminosity not worth missing.
so simple a thought, a place in time worth creating
the stresses of life that can be over powering
a nice escape from reality.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
death by chocolate
So it seems like it’s just another story,
One that is nothing but an allegory
Filled with lies, deceit, failure
False alibis, false witnesses, nothing seems to be what it is
Homicide, suicide, the tales that are filled with carnage
All indeed coincide with the way we truly live our lives.
The bombs that explode and the minds that implode.
It’s the sickness within that makes it all an ongoing sin.
Daily defeats, sorry retreats, the world is vanishing as we speak.
The rat race we all belong to, to make an earnest buck
Soon to realize that no one gives a fuck.
There’s nothing else to live for, live for your self.
Whose turn is it? Let’s hurry it up.
There are millions of John Does, lying around the forest
They were all killed- their simple minds spilled.
The veins of their brains, seeping out into the ground
Some are unlucky never to be found.
No finger prints, no evidence around.
Professions of lawyers, doctors, and cops- they will diagnose this corpse.
It was an accident, it was murder, it was revenge, it was a game.
Doesn’t matter to the victim it’s all the same.
The ending of their life on this god forsaken world,
The dead is conscience of nothing, completely at peace.
They become souls of solitude, unaware of what has happened.
No memory of what was done to them, as gory and treacherous as it may be.
Lucky them, never have to live another day in misery.
One that is nothing but an allegory
Filled with lies, deceit, failure
False alibis, false witnesses, nothing seems to be what it is
Homicide, suicide, the tales that are filled with carnage
All indeed coincide with the way we truly live our lives.
The bombs that explode and the minds that implode.
It’s the sickness within that makes it all an ongoing sin.
Daily defeats, sorry retreats, the world is vanishing as we speak.
The rat race we all belong to, to make an earnest buck
Soon to realize that no one gives a fuck.
There’s nothing else to live for, live for your self.
Whose turn is it? Let’s hurry it up.
There are millions of John Does, lying around the forest
They were all killed- their simple minds spilled.
The veins of their brains, seeping out into the ground
Some are unlucky never to be found.
No finger prints, no evidence around.
Professions of lawyers, doctors, and cops- they will diagnose this corpse.
It was an accident, it was murder, it was revenge, it was a game.
Doesn’t matter to the victim it’s all the same.
The ending of their life on this god forsaken world,
The dead is conscience of nothing, completely at peace.
They become souls of solitude, unaware of what has happened.
No memory of what was done to them, as gory and treacherous as it may be.
Lucky them, never have to live another day in misery.
lost and desolate desires
chase away these unwanted fires
the hurtful and deceptive liars
the tears that burn and make me a crier
the strong will in my heart that makes me a fighter.
words of wisdom written by a writer;
easier said than done, prophets who will succeed
they are deficient in the profuse knowledge of decree
In all reality it is the passion we all need
the wanting to live and breath
the patience to see what each day can bring.
a prescription can be filled
your mother would be thrilled
the same day your daughter is killed
and the blood is spilled
the wrath that is met
and the room that was unkempt
it's a madness of mind games
sand traps of quick sand
the world's evil plan
it's a vicious terrorist clan
to ruin what it was and what it could have been
the ultimate pay back from the original sin
chase away these unwanted fires
the hurtful and deceptive liars
the tears that burn and make me a crier
the strong will in my heart that makes me a fighter.
words of wisdom written by a writer;
easier said than done, prophets who will succeed
they are deficient in the profuse knowledge of decree
In all reality it is the passion we all need
the wanting to live and breath
the patience to see what each day can bring.
a prescription can be filled
your mother would be thrilled
the same day your daughter is killed
and the blood is spilled
the wrath that is met
and the room that was unkempt
it's a madness of mind games
sand traps of quick sand
the world's evil plan
it's a vicious terrorist clan
to ruin what it was and what it could have been
the ultimate pay back from the original sin
Monday, June 21, 2004
an eye through a key hole peering into the unknown
who is that?
where are you going?
what are you doing?
a canary in a cage
singing to the blind
is this what my life was destined to become
bars of entrapment looking back at me
the walls of insanity are closing in
padded rooms bounce off unexpressed emotions
although simply stated they can not be filtered through an empty sieve
admitted into an asylum forced to believe
fat from the noise- ready to conceive
from conception to deception
back to being re born and forgiven
all the regret is still alive
nothing has been forgotten it all still remains
everything I ever felt is still the same
the smell of the walls makes me sick
space is too thin
I'm claustrophobic and irritated
everything touched or said
is another disturbance in my head
who is that?
where are you going?
what are you doing?
a canary in a cage
singing to the blind
is this what my life was destined to become
bars of entrapment looking back at me
the walls of insanity are closing in
padded rooms bounce off unexpressed emotions
although simply stated they can not be filtered through an empty sieve
admitted into an asylum forced to believe
fat from the noise- ready to conceive
from conception to deception
back to being re born and forgiven
all the regret is still alive
nothing has been forgotten it all still remains
everything I ever felt is still the same
the smell of the walls makes me sick
space is too thin
I'm claustrophobic and irritated
everything touched or said
is another disturbance in my head
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Cineplexing vs. just being
You looked so good sitting next to me
Driving to nowhere
Smiling for nothing.
What movie should we see-whatever is playing I don't care.
It's just a ticket of an excuse to hold your hand.
Lights are dimming, and now it's just me and you.
Tonight there is nothing I would rather do.
Movie light is so flattering, the way it bounces off our skin.
I can smell salt and mustard floating in the air.
I can hear the rattling of ice over the flick's melodious orchestra.
I can feel my heart beating with contentment
It's been a while in more ways than one.
Will you hold my hand one last time?
Will you kiss me during the love scene again?
This is all I ever wanted, it's all I ever needed.
So let's ditch this cliche of a first date
Customized things in a way we can relate
It's all about just hanging out not what we're doing or where we'll be going.
Not where we eat or what movie was showing,
We're better than that, simplicity in its best form.
The night has just started as far as I'm concerned,
the best part of the night, just getting closer to you.
There is nothing that I would rather do.
I can feel your arms holding me tight.
I can hear the soft sounds of the house all through the night.
I can see what this night means to me.
Will you hold my hand one last time?
Will you kiss me during the love scene again?
This is all I ever wanted, it's all I ever needed.
You're all I ever wanted, you're all I ever needed.
Driving to nowhere
Smiling for nothing.
What movie should we see-whatever is playing I don't care.
It's just a ticket of an excuse to hold your hand.
Lights are dimming, and now it's just me and you.
Tonight there is nothing I would rather do.
Movie light is so flattering, the way it bounces off our skin.
I can smell salt and mustard floating in the air.
I can hear the rattling of ice over the flick's melodious orchestra.
I can feel my heart beating with contentment
It's been a while in more ways than one.
Will you hold my hand one last time?
Will you kiss me during the love scene again?
This is all I ever wanted, it's all I ever needed.
So let's ditch this cliche of a first date
Customized things in a way we can relate
It's all about just hanging out not what we're doing or where we'll be going.
Not where we eat or what movie was showing,
We're better than that, simplicity in its best form.
The night has just started as far as I'm concerned,
the best part of the night, just getting closer to you.
There is nothing that I would rather do.
I can feel your arms holding me tight.
I can hear the soft sounds of the house all through the night.
I can see what this night means to me.
Will you hold my hand one last time?
Will you kiss me during the love scene again?
This is all I ever wanted, it's all I ever needed.
You're all I ever wanted, you're all I ever needed.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Beautifully disguised
outstretched and scattered
thin and somewhat whimsical
stran by stran, piece by piece
the invisible tightrope is woven
no particular pattern, shape or size
large or small depends on the dweller
as water touches the soft yet durable surface it is exposed
the droplets run slowly down to the center
each tiny individual segment glistens and dances in its own unique way
the mini rainbows that form inside of them-
the reflections they create inside the world of the threaded web
so beautiful the way it is captured by the light-
so beautiful the way the spider doesn't even realize it.
thin and somewhat whimsical
stran by stran, piece by piece
the invisible tightrope is woven
no particular pattern, shape or size
large or small depends on the dweller
as water touches the soft yet durable surface it is exposed
the droplets run slowly down to the center
each tiny individual segment glistens and dances in its own unique way
the mini rainbows that form inside of them-
the reflections they create inside the world of the threaded web
so beautiful the way it is captured by the light-
so beautiful the way the spider doesn't even realize it.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Fluttering on by
It's hot today- the sun is blistering
there is a soft breeze it's hidden amongst the leaves of the trees.
I can feel it though, it's nice.
The skies are slowly getting bluer, the clouds are white and puffy.
In fact I think the flowers are even starting to bloom again.
The petals are bright, the smell is heavenly-
things actually are starting to get back to normal.
Each day is a new day- starting to realize that as well.
I am happier to notice the little things that I used to be too busy to appreciate.
I saw a butterfly flutter on by, the simplistic way its wings flapped.
Up and down, back and forth, a rythmatic motion of peacefulness.
I wish I could have bottled it up and saved it for a rainy day.
there is a soft breeze it's hidden amongst the leaves of the trees.
I can feel it though, it's nice.
The skies are slowly getting bluer, the clouds are white and puffy.
In fact I think the flowers are even starting to bloom again.
The petals are bright, the smell is heavenly-
things actually are starting to get back to normal.
Each day is a new day- starting to realize that as well.
I am happier to notice the little things that I used to be too busy to appreciate.
I saw a butterfly flutter on by, the simplistic way its wings flapped.
Up and down, back and forth, a rythmatic motion of peacefulness.
I wish I could have bottled it up and saved it for a rainy day.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Tried to be perfect and I failed,
I lost the puzzle piece I was searching for, nothing is left the picture is unfinished, so my future is unclear, all I do is make the wrong choices, and decisions, my feelings are confused themselves never knowing how to act or un act, say or what not to say, everything is in a disarray
My face is bleeding for attention, the scars are visible not going to heal the way you want them.
So nervousness sets in and my stomach is bouncing in knots what did I do now? I messed it up again.
Nothing I do is right; I really do feel like a failure, one that has been overwhelmed for quite some time.
Ringing in my ears makes it worse; I hate the 3 charm sound that buzzes so frequently.
Instantly my heart races I am saddened by everything that I do, there’s nothing that makes me feel better about myself.
A well beaten path that my heart follows so well, it goes one way but everything else is walking to a different beat of a drum.
Some one smack me, I’m really looking for that lost needle in the haystack, I’m a clueless girl that can play the part really well.
Zero sleep and still going strong, when will I ever belong?
I lost the puzzle piece I was searching for, nothing is left the picture is unfinished, so my future is unclear, all I do is make the wrong choices, and decisions, my feelings are confused themselves never knowing how to act or un act, say or what not to say, everything is in a disarray
My face is bleeding for attention, the scars are visible not going to heal the way you want them.
So nervousness sets in and my stomach is bouncing in knots what did I do now? I messed it up again.
Nothing I do is right; I really do feel like a failure, one that has been overwhelmed for quite some time.
Ringing in my ears makes it worse; I hate the 3 charm sound that buzzes so frequently.
Instantly my heart races I am saddened by everything that I do, there’s nothing that makes me feel better about myself.
A well beaten path that my heart follows so well, it goes one way but everything else is walking to a different beat of a drum.
Some one smack me, I’m really looking for that lost needle in the haystack, I’m a clueless girl that can play the part really well.
Zero sleep and still going strong, when will I ever belong?
Tick Tock
As the sand falls quickly through the hour glass of life,
the beating of my heart becomes more rapid.
The minutes in a hour change to mere seconds
as time itself evolves into thin air.
Its hard to keep my head above the water
as the weights around my ankles keep pulling me down.
Grasping for air seems hopeless as the salty liquid embraces my lungs.
No time to sleep, think, let alone breathe.
Everything is spinning in a fast forward motion,
my life has flown by and I have nothing to show for it.
As the sand falls quickly over my casket
I cannot remember the life I once had.
Time controlled it, seized it in handcuffs and threw away the key.
And now I’ll know nothing but misery.
the beating of my heart becomes more rapid.
The minutes in a hour change to mere seconds
as time itself evolves into thin air.
Its hard to keep my head above the water
as the weights around my ankles keep pulling me down.
Grasping for air seems hopeless as the salty liquid embraces my lungs.
No time to sleep, think, let alone breathe.
Everything is spinning in a fast forward motion,
my life has flown by and I have nothing to show for it.
As the sand falls quickly over my casket
I cannot remember the life I once had.
Time controlled it, seized it in handcuffs and threw away the key.
And now I’ll know nothing but misery.
Madness
What started out as the beginning now feels like the end.
All that is familiar has now become distant and unknown.
It’s lost among the darkness of my lonely heart.
When will the path be lightened and easy to follow?
Where will is lead us?
Straight and forward to the gold at the end of the rainbow?
Or to an end that is dead.
I am saddened by the abnormalities of my days.
My sunshine has faded to a still black cloud covering the blue skies ahead.
The questions in my mind are left unanswered, maybe so it will ease the pain of the cold harsh sting that the truth may bring.
Protection of the heart is a must, so that survival is possible.
10/31/02
All that is familiar has now become distant and unknown.
It’s lost among the darkness of my lonely heart.
When will the path be lightened and easy to follow?
Where will is lead us?
Straight and forward to the gold at the end of the rainbow?
Or to an end that is dead.
I am saddened by the abnormalities of my days.
My sunshine has faded to a still black cloud covering the blue skies ahead.
The questions in my mind are left unanswered, maybe so it will ease the pain of the cold harsh sting that the truth may bring.
Protection of the heart is a must, so that survival is possible.
10/31/02
Lost
What was originally set forth by fate?
Who was I destined to become?
Lost in a world filled with regret and failures, daily experiences have proven what that may be.
Not what was intended, but what was available at the time. The time within itself has faded and died.
There never seems to be a dull moment. Everything always seems to go wrong; I tried to work hard to make everything go right.
No matter which way the road winds it turns into a dead end.
The railroad signs are flashing; do not enter caution signs read…
I guess I left my glasses at home, because I missed all the clues to cracking the case to the everyday mystery of my so-called life.
Wandering questions swarm my already congested head.
Tylenol slowly dissolves my burning membranes that have been swelling with confusion.
Someone told me that life wasn’t easy, but I didn’t know it can be so hard.
I thought something would be on my side every once in awhile.
Who was I destined to become?
Lost in a world filled with regret and failures, daily experiences have proven what that may be.
Not what was intended, but what was available at the time. The time within itself has faded and died.
There never seems to be a dull moment. Everything always seems to go wrong; I tried to work hard to make everything go right.
No matter which way the road winds it turns into a dead end.
The railroad signs are flashing; do not enter caution signs read…
I guess I left my glasses at home, because I missed all the clues to cracking the case to the everyday mystery of my so-called life.
Wandering questions swarm my already congested head.
Tylenol slowly dissolves my burning membranes that have been swelling with confusion.
Someone told me that life wasn’t easy, but I didn’t know it can be so hard.
I thought something would be on my side every once in awhile.
Fox 11 at 7
Good morning this is the daily news, sadly to report to you about our dying society. The world as we know it is absolutely destroyed. Not as a country but as a civilization. The minds of the youth are brain washed from pop culture and the new fads of fashion. Let us not forget to mention the disgrace to the book of manners that our grandmothers once sat down and wrote. Please and thank yous, used to be a must but now nothing more than a perk. What has happened to us? Does anyone hold the door open for you anymore? Does anyone know what it is to be courteous? Or are we as a “whole” just a whole bunch of perfectly spaced twelve inches away from each other individuals? It is amazing how walking next to someone is now considered a crime to another person, don’t dare bump into them! It is their right to have that personal space! How dare you! That should be at least three years in a maximum confined prison! Rudeness is now a way of life. Speak up for your self. Don’t let him boss you around. You have rights you know, as a woman, as a student, as a child, as a teacher, as a African American, as a criminal, as a victim…so it seems the rights are endless. Sure born in America land of the free, home of the brave. Yet the conformity that seems to bleed from the veins of those same Americans, have forgotten all of that. They now dwell off of the rectangular green squares of freedom that float into their ten digit accounts every week.They are lost little sheep in the meadows of greed and selfishness.
Blinded by the light
In that one single moment of time everything I ever knew flashed before my naïve eyes.
I thought this would never have happened that I was somehow protected from anything bad that could ever happen.
You proved me wrong simply by breaking my heart.
I didn’t get mad- I was too occupied by the falling of my tears.
In that one moment of time- the world stopped, I think I even forgot how to breathe.
Nothing mattered anymore; all I wanted was to hold you-
The distance between us held me back, it’s too late now
My wounds have actually healed.
The pain has dissolved – sugar like and now sweeter than ever my wise eyes see the world.
Happiness is a definite road block in my future.
Even though the scars of my heart are healed, the memories in my mind still replay the snapping of my soul once in a while.
I guess to bring me to reality of the way things are and should always be.
I thought this would never have happened that I was somehow protected from anything bad that could ever happen.
You proved me wrong simply by breaking my heart.
I didn’t get mad- I was too occupied by the falling of my tears.
In that one moment of time- the world stopped, I think I even forgot how to breathe.
Nothing mattered anymore; all I wanted was to hold you-
The distance between us held me back, it’s too late now
My wounds have actually healed.
The pain has dissolved – sugar like and now sweeter than ever my wise eyes see the world.
Happiness is a definite road block in my future.
Even though the scars of my heart are healed, the memories in my mind still replay the snapping of my soul once in a while.
I guess to bring me to reality of the way things are and should always be.
taking it slow
Although we are obviously great together
Because of unresolved issues amongst our past
The once cried tears and angry eyes are filled with tranquility
Although we go back farther than time can tell-
It is something that we need to take even more time with.
This time it is more important than ever to make this right.
To grow within our selves and to know what we want, instead of living the lives that other people have wanted us to live.
We are taking a stand.
An amazing stand with our hearts, our minds, and our souls.
Time will tell- and as the hour glass slowly fills
We will know when it is the right time to slowly take things to a new level of happiness.
Although I know that we are meant to be-
that we have the love that it is clear to see
I will do what ever it takes
Because you mean so much to me.
Because of unresolved issues amongst our past
The once cried tears and angry eyes are filled with tranquility
Although we go back farther than time can tell-
It is something that we need to take even more time with.
This time it is more important than ever to make this right.
To grow within our selves and to know what we want, instead of living the lives that other people have wanted us to live.
We are taking a stand.
An amazing stand with our hearts, our minds, and our souls.
Time will tell- and as the hour glass slowly fills
We will know when it is the right time to slowly take things to a new level of happiness.
Although I know that we are meant to be-
that we have the love that it is clear to see
I will do what ever it takes
Because you mean so much to me.
rehab
6/1/2004
Hello my name is Jenell
and believe it or not I am a sensitive junkie
who is addicted to pain-
hooked up on morphine and Kleenex boxes
track marks on my heart
delivered straight from Cuba
all shattered and dismantled
A replacement can be there tomorrow @ 8:00 am fedx approved
sign on the dotted line
we'll all be fine
it will just take time
Hello my name is Jenell
and believe it or not I am a sensitive junkie
who is addicted to pain-
hooked up on morphine and Kleenex boxes
track marks on my heart
delivered straight from Cuba
all shattered and dismantled
A replacement can be there tomorrow @ 8:00 am fedx approved
sign on the dotted line
we'll all be fine
it will just take time
Roll the dice
Racing and Pacing dodging the question
I don't' know
I'm lost in this candy apple of a town
I'm all sticky from the sun and I'm being eaten alive.
There's no one to blame
only myself who threw away the map.
Gave up on knowing the way-
wanted to have fun by being adventurous
Now I am sorry
Wish there was another way
the road has a fork in it
I have no chance of choosing the right way
Time's up- DING!
Wrong you lose
you suck! It's up to you to know this!
How can you mess this up?- It's easy!
Loser, Loser, Loser
Game over....
I don't' know
I'm lost in this candy apple of a town
I'm all sticky from the sun and I'm being eaten alive.
There's no one to blame
only myself who threw away the map.
Gave up on knowing the way-
wanted to have fun by being adventurous
Now I am sorry
Wish there was another way
the road has a fork in it
I have no chance of choosing the right way
Time's up- DING!
Wrong you lose
you suck! It's up to you to know this!
How can you mess this up?- It's easy!
Loser, Loser, Loser
Game over....
6/1/2004
I feel bad for not feeling bad
Although a weight has been lifted- I too am dying inside
Walking away from familiar to unknown and shady black
It is hard to see the good in everyday normalcy.
However I was told I had to do this- not by the voices outside
but the voices in my head.
I feel bad that I don't feel bad.
I'm so sorry-
Weirdness is all I know now.
I'm not used to these walls the plainness scares me.
Will I be okay?
Will I be happy?
Will this be the way it's supposed to be?
If it's not where will I go?
The other side is not always greener
it's always lonelier.
I feel bad for not feeling bad
Although a weight has been lifted- I too am dying inside
Walking away from familiar to unknown and shady black
It is hard to see the good in everyday normalcy.
However I was told I had to do this- not by the voices outside
but the voices in my head.
I feel bad that I don't feel bad.
I'm so sorry-
Weirdness is all I know now.
I'm not used to these walls the plainness scares me.
Will I be okay?
Will I be happy?
Will this be the way it's supposed to be?
If it's not where will I go?
The other side is not always greener
it's always lonelier.
Guilty Conscience
There is a certain amount of guilt that coincides with the emotions that we feel daily.
Did I really hurt them that bad? It was really my fault wasn't it?
To have to stare at your own reflection in the face-
and face the truth that you can't handle what life threw at you-
An unlucky sort of problems that never worked themselves out.
They only got worse as the day grew into lonely nights.
The guilty tears that fill the wet pillows at night-
the fan that dries them slowly as the eyelashes stick together from the salty saturation.
Guilt is the emotion that floods these eyes.
That you could break a heart so easily with out a care
or a sign of doubt.
If it was so easy was no real love ever dispersed?
Or was it all an illusion of faith that ran too thin?
It disappeared like a crescent of a moon behind a dark cloud-
No wind to be found.
June 1st 2004
Did I really hurt them that bad? It was really my fault wasn't it?
To have to stare at your own reflection in the face-
and face the truth that you can't handle what life threw at you-
An unlucky sort of problems that never worked themselves out.
They only got worse as the day grew into lonely nights.
The guilty tears that fill the wet pillows at night-
the fan that dries them slowly as the eyelashes stick together from the salty saturation.
Guilt is the emotion that floods these eyes.
That you could break a heart so easily with out a care
or a sign of doubt.
If it was so easy was no real love ever dispersed?
Or was it all an illusion of faith that ran too thin?
It disappeared like a crescent of a moon behind a dark cloud-
No wind to be found.
June 1st 2004
JDH
09th June 2004
Chaos and disorder, a new life I want to reorder.
I don't know where to go from here, it's so hard to try and start over.
A new place, a new face, now I'm feeling like a headcase.
Talking on the phone all night and trying to figure out what's right. It's all new feelings that are beginning to show.
Lost feelings from long ago.
It's unclear what used to be known to me, but it's okay I can wait and see.
The world is spinning, fast, faster, fastest...time is too expensive- something so rare can be at times.
Paralleling lives that have so much in common, it's easier to get through all this crazy relationship drama.
Appreciation, satisfaction, even the non confusion are the new emotions I have to learn the meaning of.
Although it's still are hard to accept them from within, after the way I've lived before I made this remarkable transition.
It's not easy, it's not fair, but it's my life.
I hold the reins in my hands.
I can actually say I have control for once.
My plane is not crashing into a mountain of madness- so far it's smooth sailing from this day forward.
Out to a little place my heart wants to call Paradise-
wherever that may be, where ever it may lead me,
I'm just going to make sure that I am happy.
Chaos and disorder, a new life I want to reorder.
I don't know where to go from here, it's so hard to try and start over.
A new place, a new face, now I'm feeling like a headcase.
Talking on the phone all night and trying to figure out what's right. It's all new feelings that are beginning to show.
Lost feelings from long ago.
It's unclear what used to be known to me, but it's okay I can wait and see.
The world is spinning, fast, faster, fastest...time is too expensive- something so rare can be at times.
Paralleling lives that have so much in common, it's easier to get through all this crazy relationship drama.
Appreciation, satisfaction, even the non confusion are the new emotions I have to learn the meaning of.
Although it's still are hard to accept them from within, after the way I've lived before I made this remarkable transition.
It's not easy, it's not fair, but it's my life.
I hold the reins in my hands.
I can actually say I have control for once.
My plane is not crashing into a mountain of madness- so far it's smooth sailing from this day forward.
Out to a little place my heart wants to call Paradise-
wherever that may be, where ever it may lead me,
I'm just going to make sure that I am happy.
gluts n slobs
09th June 2004
Okay so it is scary the day that you realize that life is a walking cliche. Everyone is so fake. Everyone lies. Everyone wants to be perfect. It's hilarious. No one is who they think they are. If they are naive eighteen year olds who think that life is just a bowl of cherries and now it's all going to be fine and dandy forever, or it's a bitter old man who killed his wife because she didn't heat his oatmeal up the right way. It's just amazing, the characters that we are. The way we live life, the way that we decided who to be and who to become. Yeah it is...a little weird.
This is so cool! No that is so out dated....you can't wear that, wear what I'm naked. Exposed and raw, it should only be so simple. Showing everyone who we really are instead of living like every day is mardi gras. Wild with colored masked hiding our dirty secrets and desires. The sick perverts that want more beads---show me show me, more money, more boobs, more time, more fun, more food, more this more that-----everyone is fat. Obese with the daily indulgences they crave. People are obsessed with themselves. And look at me I am no better than they are. I'm obsessed with trying to understand what the big deal is with all of it. The popularity, the fame, greed, the dollar bills for pupils that everyone seems to have. What the hell happened to us? Who the hell let it get like this?
Okay so it is scary the day that you realize that life is a walking cliche. Everyone is so fake. Everyone lies. Everyone wants to be perfect. It's hilarious. No one is who they think they are. If they are naive eighteen year olds who think that life is just a bowl of cherries and now it's all going to be fine and dandy forever, or it's a bitter old man who killed his wife because she didn't heat his oatmeal up the right way. It's just amazing, the characters that we are. The way we live life, the way that we decided who to be and who to become. Yeah it is...a little weird.
This is so cool! No that is so out dated....you can't wear that, wear what I'm naked. Exposed and raw, it should only be so simple. Showing everyone who we really are instead of living like every day is mardi gras. Wild with colored masked hiding our dirty secrets and desires. The sick perverts that want more beads---show me show me, more money, more boobs, more time, more fun, more food, more this more that-----everyone is fat. Obese with the daily indulgences they crave. People are obsessed with themselves. And look at me I am no better than they are. I'm obsessed with trying to understand what the big deal is with all of it. The popularity, the fame, greed, the dollar bills for pupils that everyone seems to have. What the hell happened to us? Who the hell let it get like this?
butterfly kisses
26th May 2004
The butterflies within the touch of your hand on my skin- I am so happy that this place is real. To be in your arms again was something I that I would never feel. I missed you all those days before, now that it is here I never want to go back to the way it was before.
You make me happy. You make me laugh, there is nothing else to do but know that.
The butterflies within the touch of your hand on my skin- I am so happy that this place is real. To be in your arms again was something I that I would never feel. I missed you all those days before, now that it is here I never want to go back to the way it was before.
You make me happy. You make me laugh, there is nothing else to do but know that.
happy birthday
24th May 2004
Today is unlike any other- it is lacking complete normalcy. I thought that leaving would make things better, however getting over you is a hard thing to do.
You think I don't love you anymore because of the way things were left, but in the confusion of things, just know that I do love you.
It's just that I love myself too, and the future does not show a bright path for us. Changing is more difficult than you think. Time can heal almost all wounds. I really hope that one day you can forgive me and see that this was for the best.
I know the skies are setting a perfect scenario for the emotions that are being expressed. The rolling clouds and hidden sun, know that this is reality.
There is nothing more that my heart wants but to be happy. Help me get through this disarray of mind boggling torture. I just don't know where to go from here, or what to do. I'm completely lost.
Today is unlike any other- it is lacking complete normalcy. I thought that leaving would make things better, however getting over you is a hard thing to do.
You think I don't love you anymore because of the way things were left, but in the confusion of things, just know that I do love you.
It's just that I love myself too, and the future does not show a bright path for us. Changing is more difficult than you think. Time can heal almost all wounds. I really hope that one day you can forgive me and see that this was for the best.
I know the skies are setting a perfect scenario for the emotions that are being expressed. The rolling clouds and hidden sun, know that this is reality.
There is nothing more that my heart wants but to be happy. Help me get through this disarray of mind boggling torture. I just don't know where to go from here, or what to do. I'm completely lost.
19th May 2004
the burdens of the pain that continues to burn within my soul
yearns for the time of healing,
new age of self discovery
misguided routines and leftover disagreements-
salty tears, and unwanted fears- uncharted wave of emotions lost without a life guard.
Life is hard with the decisions that have to be made, I never thought this could happen
Once happy and involved now sad and alone.
I’m sorry that it has to be this way but the world is spinning so fast-
All the arrows are pointing in this direction
Go stop, leave, don’t leave, I finally understood what I needed to do.
Letting go of me, learning that a new life is out there-
22 and still lost within myself
still broken hearted
still just still….nothingness, numbness- coldness
the burdens of the pain that continues to burn within my soul
yearns for the time of healing,
new age of self discovery
misguided routines and leftover disagreements-
salty tears, and unwanted fears- uncharted wave of emotions lost without a life guard.
Life is hard with the decisions that have to be made, I never thought this could happen
Once happy and involved now sad and alone.
I’m sorry that it has to be this way but the world is spinning so fast-
All the arrows are pointing in this direction
Go stop, leave, don’t leave, I finally understood what I needed to do.
Letting go of me, learning that a new life is out there-
22 and still lost within myself
still broken hearted
still just still….nothingness, numbness- coldness
misguided
burdened by the daily harassments that pass before my eyes, i am lost in a world of confussion. The darkness of the future blurrs my visons. The blood is cut off from my brain with all of the planning, thinking, organizing, paying, playing, talking, driving, scheduling, striving, living...sometimes feels like dying.
breathe in breathe out, blink, stare,gaze into the empty space that floods the skies. what is this? what is that? where do i go? was that the exit? I think i passed it, oh i was late, sorry i lost that number, oops i dropped that. Excuse me, thank you, no thank you, i can't , i will, sure, no, sorry, maybe next time.
I don't know what that means, I don't want to ask for help i'll look so stupid. I should ask for more advice, but I should know the answers. I think i was born to be lost.
4/8/2004
breathe in breathe out, blink, stare,gaze into the empty space that floods the skies. what is this? what is that? where do i go? was that the exit? I think i passed it, oh i was late, sorry i lost that number, oops i dropped that. Excuse me, thank you, no thank you, i can't , i will, sure, no, sorry, maybe next time.
I don't know what that means, I don't want to ask for help i'll look so stupid. I should ask for more advice, but I should know the answers. I think i was born to be lost.
4/8/2004
thin ice
Will someone please let me know what I need to do?
It is as though I am made of glass, every word uttered adds another crack.
Slowly they spread across my body thinner and thinner.
So sensitive, can't you take a joke? Maybe I am a joke.
I'm so clueless about life itself.
Who knows?
So delicate inside and out, even my veins are afraid to be pricked.
The needles of life harass me and cause me pain-
One day there will be nothing left but a shattered mess.
So in the mean time tip toe carefully...
4/01/2004
It is as though I am made of glass, every word uttered adds another crack.
Slowly they spread across my body thinner and thinner.
So sensitive, can't you take a joke? Maybe I am a joke.
I'm so clueless about life itself.
Who knows?
So delicate inside and out, even my veins are afraid to be pricked.
The needles of life harass me and cause me pain-
One day there will be nothing left but a shattered mess.
So in the mean time tip toe carefully...
4/01/2004
Traffic Jam
3/10/2004
Stressing out, screaming out, lashing out
yet still breathing in.
Little irritations that ruin your day.
Panic stricken as the clock ticks by the cars halted to a stop do not seem to care.
A red sea of reflectors and blue skies are ahead.
Stop. Go. Stop. Go.
Hello Mr. CHP no I am not speeding...
JUST TRYING TO START MY DAY.
Stressing out, screaming out, lashing out
yet still breathing in.
Little irritations that ruin your day.
Panic stricken as the clock ticks by the cars halted to a stop do not seem to care.
A red sea of reflectors and blue skies are ahead.
Stop. Go. Stop. Go.
Hello Mr. CHP no I am not speeding...
JUST TRYING TO START MY DAY.
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