Self Indulgences

Rescue me from an unknown place
Save me from this dark desolate space
Awaken all that is alive in me
Stretch out my arms- surrender completely

Covered in sand and dead from the outside within
there is nothing I would or could need more in life
as a failure in time- I am the living dead
my hollowed soul will not follow
those who do will be rewarded
morbid eyes of beauty
seek the light at the end of the tunnel

my hands are tied- tight with conformity
transformed over night from his flock
to another heard of sheep
grouped together and no different from anyone else

Rescue me from this chamber of hell
I'm dying to be alive and no one can tell
Help me realize how wrong I really am
Help me understand what really is his plan

Even though I was told so many times
my brain doesn't seem to register
the importance, the possibilities
pushed aside for my own self indulgences

nothing can save me from this self inflicted pain
the disorder of living in denial
a torture only I know
something I fear I will always know

Rescue me , push me out the window
push me my heart will follow
I'll fall fast through the grim night sky
falling fast as gravity allows me to finally die.

I never wanted something so bad
Between the reflections of a mirror
and the stars luminous glow
I watched out my window
the red traffic lights
move slow-
dodge the rain clouds hovering above

I just washed my car
the glass was finally crisp
the sun dried the droplets into
ridiculous salty rings
they covered my roof, the hood,
even my pink tail lights

inside I'm safe
the crashing lightning bolts
Electric, wild, carefree, unwanted
fearless, radiant, beautiful

I never wanted something this bad
walking down the street, song in my head
whispering lyrics
remind me of you-
Wish I could close my eyes
and make this dream envisioned by
my own imagination an actual reality
a possibility
something worth my time
something that you could want too

I never wanted you so bad.

Nordstrom Rack

Maybe I was born to write
to express my feelings in the written form
it seems like it is the only thing that keeps me sane at times.
I don't know it just pours from my little head, the letters, the emotions, the every once in awhile I'll rhyme.
It's just recently I have had more on my mind and more of and itch to spill my thoughts out on the paper--
let the ink flow so to speak-

thoughts of my hidden achievements, the ideas of lost identities, the second guesses that I hold deep within myself.
I don't know where they come from, but late at night they are very much real within my own being.
I doubt myself every day the person I am, the person I am becoming, I don't know if I'm worth anything.
I worry about everything.
the way that the wind blows so hard at night. the way it bends the glass of my window ever so slightly.
No one really notices, but that is how I feel every day.
The way that verbal exchanges carefully bends my beliefs, my heart, my soul-

No wonder why I am "so sensitive"
I cannot disregard the meaningless, the senseless, reckless, careless, thoughtless, incidences that happen occasionally.
Thicker skin for sale---credit cards are maxed out.

Wait for the clearance racks to be full with the things I want, the things I guess I'm told I need.

BFF

as the days go by, I'll sit and remember you, the good times we had
yet as each day ends it's goes unsaid- those were the good days that are now dead.
it's sad when you think that you know someone - someone so well I say.

I will look the other way and try not to hold yet another grudge.
But how could you, as a person, as a friend, as a sister I never had.
Blindside, betray, lie and still to this day- not care.
My glass on the table is half full-
the sunset outside is reflecting all I could have ever felt for you.

Pink and yellow the once shared smiles
Red and orange now the hole you put in my heart-
the hole you bursted my bubble of what a true friend could really be.

Revenge, hate, disgust---don't call me anymore,
I won't return your email-
GO AWAY!!!!

Understand that there are no second chances when it comes to
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.