Shark Attack

Do all predators have the same instincts?
Kill or be killed
Powered by rage, revenge, fury
What else can be revealed?
Go after the weak
Seek out the small
Does this insanity equate rationale?
Is their logic fragmented?
Distorted by underestimated evil?
Be cautious as you dwell
Swim close to the shore
The slightest slip and the prey
Will need to pray.

Dizzy spell

I am dizzy and I am sitting still

This vertigo in my mind is unreal

I can't focus on the things that matter

Each breath of air shatters the silence that I am trying to hold onto.

My brain is spinning trying to keep up with the thousands of thoughts piling through it,

 second after second, each one adding to the chaos of my life. 

My vision is constantly blurry 

not even my square framed specs can help make out the pictures in front of me.

I just want the madness to fade away- 

Try to find a peaceful core.

One where I'm not in pain anymore.

One where I can start all over. 

cope

All I know is how to suppress 
these emotions deep below my skin's surface
suffocating the stress that I chose to displace
I hide my feelings from my reflection's face. 
I cannot admit the pain that I feel inside, 
losing something that was once so important to me-
now lost is nothing more than a memory.

The tears linger around the corners of my eyes
and the audible sound of my heart as it sighs
shakes the being of my core
and there is nothing left for me to endure. 

Passion Fruit

Inside this candied core love illuminates One brave bite is all it takes Beneath its red tantalizing skin Magic dwells deep within Embrace the luscious taste, juicy, and delicious Spark a fiery romance and create passionate kisses Unlock the mystery of what your heart desires An open mind and open heart is all it requires

Fast Track

Knowing you from yesterday felt like a good change of scenery

When I accelerated these emotions there was a risky game started

Racing pass old flames-

Past insecurities -

The lights were green

And checkered flags in sight

Little did I know

I would soon run out of gas

Love in the fast lane is dangerous

No time to stop

What is done is done

Break light, stop light

Road blocks, detour

It's all over and before you know it

We CRASH

time machine

the sting of the freeze still remains
confusion runs through my veins
haunted by harsh silences
reality of blatant avoidance

yet, still unsure of why?
were words uttered just a lie?
was I just something to cross off your list?
I wish I could take back that first kiss...

heart on my sleeve-
it's always pushing you to leave
everything fades far too fast-
and nothing seems to last
I wish I could go back in time,
keep us as us and you would be mine

Enough- love that is, enough

love is love...created and destroyed
open arms and sometimes closed minds
we all cry with tears of sorrow and sometimes joy
have the same feelings of pain
and hurt when we are rejected
react to the unexpected
good or bad, happy or sad
we feel, we grow, we bleed,
TOGETHER

enclosed heart beating
inside this cage of ribs..expand and contract...
understand we all all built the same.
DIS-crim-IN-ation...needs to
DIS-a-ppear.
Hatred and DISgust...
who are we to
JUDGE?

Replace those feelings of anguish
let happiness replenish,
take on the challenge and ask yourself
Have I done ENOUGH?

nature vs. nuture

like seeds of a dandelion blowing in the wind
a sigh is only the beginning of where i stand
blown away like leaves in the fall
too much, too soon
i can't even recall

vanishing in thin air
not a bread crumb left to follow
these are the times that
are the hardest to swallow

unanswered questions
confusion and blank stares
my mind wonders searching
for someone who cares

Crystal Ball

Predictable loathing intention

Undeniably irritating to be right

All the time...

sinking hunch, twisted fate,

Rising Assumptions all lead to

Ones biggest mistake

disappointment sets in yet again-

Let this heart of mine finally break

Leave it be- set me free and live a life

Without regret, failure and upset

rebuild your strength over power the pain

Resist temptations to give in again-

hopeless faith

what is hope but a four lettered word that is filled with disappointment?
one can hope that things will work out the way they need them to,
that a person will be what you want them to be, but yet until the real results are found
one continues to have hope.

true optimistic cheerful hope.

how does hope differ from faith? hope is like holding your breath waiting for hiccups to pass, or crossing your fingers until they go numb. Whereas, faith is something that is yearned for and seems more substantial. faith is real, it makes one believe in the unseen...the power of faith can be applied to almost anything. faith is definite....either you have it or you don't. Hope on the other hand tends to be shaky at times. hope is unsettling, unpredictable, and can always falter.

so which would you rather have....unwaivering faith in someone or unstable hope....

free bird

there was once a key that opened this locket
the gold became dull and looks more like brass...
dirty and antiquated
it fails to represent what i once felt for you
as the minutes disappear, slowly, constantly
the love i thought i needed fades
into a distant clouded memory

clasped tight is this chain,
dangling, resting against my beating chest
it vibrates close to my skin
cold metal warms
and my real heart continues to sing

drum like, fast and vibrant
i'm full of life, happy and free
uncaged i turn the key
to my own happiness...

love spell

this pink bottle filled with love
handle it with care
it is luminous and glitters
as you hold it in your hands

finger and thumb meet the jewel top
opened the soft vanilla scent escapes
and the sweet vapor disappears

inhale the sensual goodness and
become instantly delirious
exhale and nearly faint

captivated by your smile
drunken by your laugh
this spell is magical
and so is the twinkle in your eyes

the sun set earlier tonight and there is an unsettling chill in the air
hauntingly delicious, the trees are covered with colors of candied corn
a full moon hangs above a quiet city where most are asleep safe in their beds
while one sits and stares at a cold blank wall
their mind is flooded with a sadness that is unforgettable
their worrisome brow furrows within the night
and the deep exhalation of their sigh is the only audible sound
it echoes through the night like an eerie gust of wind

red flag

there's a fire burning my heart
like lightening that flashes across the sky
a quick burst of light and it fades to black
inside nothing is left but false hope and bitter confusion

taking off the rose colored glasses
the smoke and mirrors are discovered
the Houdini you are, i was led blindly
easily, and now the spell is BROKEN

as the wall is built again
the red flag is raised
blowing freely in the wind
hoist the colors of love, blood and rage.

lucid love

over it and over you
the feelings left are less than few
they fade fast as the day becomes night
i don't question anymore what it right

the pedal stool that you once sat upon is now a broken chair
the image of you has shattered and i don't even care
i realize now that you are indeed flawed-never meant to be
at least not forever, and that is something i truly now see.

its funny how in love i thought i was-

confused by emotion driven by lust

it's toxic and beautifully addicting

a true drug dream...

pain factory

why is pain manufactured by the ones you love the most?
they have the ability to alter your future with minimal words.
what is left is the distorted truth- and you seem to be blinded with denial,
bounded at the hands with unfulfilled promises and hearts bruised with lies.

each twist of fate leaves you questioning what is right
second guessing everything and blaming yourself for mistakes
these small cold fragments of reality slice you open like
jagged glass, only to leave you bleeding, tears falling and too ashamed
to ask for help

earthquake

my life is on hold still standing and solid
frozen in the present and all i want to do
is move forward
reaching into the future for the new life that i crave
as soon as i feel grounded the floor begins to shift
everything around me crumbles, dissipates and i lose focus
once again.
with a blurry vision ahead hope is lost and hard to find

broken reflection

every time my phone chimes i secretly wish it is you
i lie awake at night wishing your arms were around me too
why can't i just walk away?
why won't these feelings fade?
hearing your voice brought me to tears again
i still am in denial of us coming to an end
lying to myself i pretend that we can be friends
why wasn't my love enough for you?
why is my heart so confused?
no one understands the pull you have on me
it's like a magnet that no one can see
you sucked me in with all your finesse
and then left me in a broken hearted mess
when will i learn that you won't ever be mine...
when the time has passed and my heart isn't blind?

camouflaged

trust is embedded in broken promises, deceit, lies and false alibis

mistrust is clouded with love, lust and happy endings

everything is a twisted paradox that is never what it seems

black and white is always a shaded gray and just when you've got it figured out
things begin to change

open house

you hold the key to this safe house of mine
one that is decorated to a hearts content
warm, red, slightly acidic like wine
unlock the mystery that lies within

inside the room my walls remain quiet
the dust softly settles, it's been a while
it took you forever to come and find it
the story of us and how it unravels...

sea shells spill over the counter
as sand sediment fills between your toes
and memories begin to make you wonder
when did you first begin to fall?

fast into a splendid spiral
farther down into a happy oblivion
delighted with a sappy smile
this is somewhere you always want to be

mr. alright?

sitting alone in the quiet dark
i dream about a destined romantic spark

will i ever meet my one true love?
does he even exist?

so many close calls but never one that sticks
something is wrong with the loves that i pick!

flat line

delicate and barely beating resuscitate this heart of mine
rephrase the concept of cheating and i've begone to flat line

with closed eyes the darkness starts to invade
with one last breath i sigh and my pulse slowly fades

the quickness of death begins to set in
this fractured heart is lifeless once again

forever at a stand still, it would only beat for you
cold to the touch my lips turn blue

bury the memories that paralyze me with pain
remember what we had and how it will never be the same

one tearful goodbye...ashes to ashes dust to dust
i'm still wondering if love was blinded by lust?

hangin by a thread

i guess what we have is what we said:
no strings attached
yet one is around my heart
and it's painfully red

no relationships, no falling in too deep
it's not so easy when i'm losing sleep

i'm on the brink of sighing
when i think of you; i tingle inside
i get flushed with passion
every time you walk by

nothing serious, no real "dates"
tell that to my heart, it's already too late

i wish you would change your mind
would you if you thought it was worth it
to take a chance on me~
on my kind?

over kill-joy

when i think about what i want and where i want to go
the dark night falls upon the hollow moon
the tears fall heavily and i feel lost inside
and i haven't even left home

these days i don't want to do anything
it seems i am consumed with worry
the rain gets louder and
i feel it's my cue to cry harder

sad sobs and broken heart
i pack the last box of memories
everything and everyone i once knew
i will leave far far behind

november 22 11:43 am

Deadly Desire

This lust burns like a fire- it's quick and deadly.
My heart is singed around the edges and
I continue to gasp for air as you walk on by.

The smoke from the flames clear and
what's left is the charred memory,
of the fire that burns deep inside.

I want you; your skin is my addiction.
The touch of you heals my pain.
The calling of my name soothes
this red wrath of hurt.

Fix this broken heart of mine,
show me what is good again,
bring me back from hell and
show me the taste of sin.

i'm torn from the inside out
trying to figure you out...
what is this game we are playing
what are the rules saying?

are there even any to go by-
or is it all a fucking lie?
make them up as the days go on
i hate myself for being wrong

addictive tendencies

i'm drawn to the touch of your skin
the softness of it pulls me in
like a magnet-

this temptation lures me to sin
pulling me closer to this addiction
of you-

i can drown myself as i drink you in
wonder when will i see you again
sometime soon?

time passes and withdrawals kick in
feelings grow and seem to deepen
if only you knew-

discontent disposition

this sunny disposition has faded away
i'm staring at the sky and sigh heavily
what should i do now? now that i'm all alone
thought i was going on strong,
but i'm weaker than i thought
i hold my tears back and shut my eyes
tight as can be, i just want this
to already be in the past

it's cold outside and as the rain falls
there are still so many things
i would like to say to you,
i ran away from the problems we shared
i gave up without a second thought
i was selfish and i didn't think of anything else
just me me me

i fill my days with whatever i can
just to forget the thoughts i once had
the thoughts that were once filled
with you you you

and now it's late in the day,
i'm holding onto whatever i can
just to get through as the clock continues
to push the minutes farther into the future

holding on vs. letting go

painful memories of you leech into my brain
holding back tears i'm reluctant to let sorrow to drain

soon enough i realize there may have been a mistake
this haunting reminder makes my heart ache

if only i could choose what makes me whole
this break up is definitely taking its toll

icicle sorrows

i wish i could erase it all
each and every memory
push a button and say goodbye
i'm tired of trying not to cry

this hole left in my heart
in my soul
aches from those thoughts of you
it's suffocating and i don't know what to do

i'm an empty hollow mess
stark white and lifeless
nothing left but a saddened shell
i've created my own personal hell

i hold my breath each sound of your name
my heart sinks
it chills me to the core
i'm frozen inside and i can't take anymore

there was a deadline that wasn't met
i promised my love i didn't forget
you changed my heart, my mind
i'm sorry i won't love you til the end of time

i built this wall bigger than the last
fuck the future i'm living in the past

joy ride

i love how i can look into your eyes
and view your soul

my heart beats back
in response
in rhythm
in sync

i know how you feel
a reflection of emotion
peers back at me

this is a new feeling
and i hope it doesn't fade

clearly i am focused

serious as a heart attack
i will focus without becoming blurry
zoom in closer on my heart

before you snap the shutter
i think it skipped a beat
the silent sound of it flutters
as you look into my eyes

flash forward and capture
the future that is ahead
bright and shiny white light

closed eyes in a frame
easy to delete easy to erase
as i make new memories
far away from that place

the battery slowly dies
turns red within each second
as time ticks on so does the last shot

turbulence

crushed by the weight that holds me down
compressed with this suffocation what will i do?
there is no way out and it's time for the survival of the fittest
i hold my breath and pray for strength to get through the toughest times
as the plane rocks and sways i awake and worry about the ride
i am cramped, smashed and taken advantage of,
i think about the size of my heart and the dwindling patience that i boarded with,
the view from outside changes ever so slightly
and my eyes burn from the view.

empty cemetary

the internal chaos inside the chamber walls
haunted by the ghostly fear as it calls
me into the night
open eyes full of sight

unleash the beast
that pulls me to the grave
feeding the urge for silence
the urge i always crave

now blinded by the moon
filled with sorrow and gloom
i walk in a zombie like trance
walking further from my last chance

Escape

Let's just call it what it is
passing time on a clock
reaching for my heart
until the beating has stopped

slowly drained my pulse weakens
once boiled blood now cold to the touch
bounded strings try to strengthen
i never thought it would hurt so much

the mess left inside
buried deep ready to hide
from this pain,
from this world,
from you...

foggy windows

fog covered streets, driving through this ghost town
the rear view mirror haunts me, but i ain't ever lookin back

this self inflicted addiction keeps draggin me down
but i like to forget and i like to smile

i'll sober up in the morning when i need to function
wear a mask of perfection and lie to my reflection

tortured by the wrongs i've done, the the past is a joke
here i'm stuck within these walls, nothing ever feels good

it's black with regret- corpse like and decayed-
this heart of mine-

those memories try to keep up but i ain't lookin back
this road is dark enough, and i can't see clearly

handle with care

handle with care so the label read
stretch out my limbs to hold the frame
shaking tendons weight that i dread
unwanted source of blame

fragments of glass fall below
slipping between my grasp
cut beneath my painful sorrow
how long will this bleeding last?

wedding bell blues

ring ting ting
sang my song
my boy he listens
without shakin his head
agrees with what's said

he knows how
to make me feel
right, but the
blue bell rings
and it stings
as day becomes
night

sad sad song
it's new and
already so so sad

tap my toes
shakes my bones
those blue blue
tones....

want ad

I wait for the dark,
to cast shadows on the wall.
Wide eyes mimic the moon,
yellow, full, luminous.
HOWLing thirst,
thirsty knowledge,
knowledge of the UN-known.
My restless membranes now,
paralyzed by confusion.
Now entering-
zone of twilight chaos.
Full Moon seeking:
Soft crescents,
half smiles of serendipity.

baby NOT on board

rock a bye baby in your sweet slumber
kiss you my darling good night
falling in love with your heart melting coos
rocking so gently in my arms so tight
makes me smile to watch your eyes close

i dream of your soft giggles and tiny hands,
bubbles at bathtime and crawling across the floor,
taking pictures of all the firsts,
i feel like it's all just a dream and nothing more

ZB-JD

fiction is more than not being real
it is the way that your eyes influence me
the way you make me laugh, the way i wish
it could be more, a little more than what
it is, reflecting glass showing me your delightful
smile, i feel like i am part of you, connected
through quick witted lines and a stethoscope.
i want to walk into your sacred heart and
get a cup of coffee, see the way you
interact with everyone-
we'll gaze at each other, playful flirty gestures
and ride off into the sunset on your Vespa.

Mr. Sandman

in the distance there I see you
small figment of my imagination
still I see you.
the blue sparks of your eyes
gazing at me with a smile from heaven
it's sad that I can read them so well
word for word as if I wrote the story myself.
I worry about you
your days and nights
I wonder if you sleep soundly
or if we have something in common,
still I see you
I notice you, think of you
laugh with you,
and I feel I know you....
still in my mind- just a figment
a fragment, a piece of the puzzle
already put together in another realm.

golden cider

well it would take years to find me...since i have been hiding in this shelter of gold.
sparkling cider sipping it slow, looking past these walls i cannot fathom for they're all i know.
today i woke up from a dream. a dream of white clouds and familiar things. images from my past, a smile on his face, and two hot chocolates waiting for you to drink
i laughed and said, "what a fine day it is!" and you smiled back as your only reply.
i just wanted to hold onto that simplistic moment of time, so real yet a fantasy of my mind.
lost in my own thoughts, only in my sleep i would remember...you

30 day notice

i am lost. lost in between what is real and unreal.
the soft color of clarity is unseen to my yellow green eyes.
i am so scared. scared of what is coming or not coming, the fear is what is unknown.
all i want is to finally see the unspoken truth in the shades of black and white that it is.
so what is it going to be? a life of living in uncertainty?
guessing day by day, will everything be okay?
will all the tears fall away? far away?
why can't everything just go back to the way it used to be?

1/26/06

yesterday's lost and so am I

I remember yesterday, it was so beautiful. So simple and complete. I used to smile for any and every unknown reason.
Now it's all just faded away, slowly slipping away. Because tomorrow doesn't look so bright. The sun is shinning but my room's walls are still dark. The thought of getting up makes no sense, and the thought of losing you is in the same category.
I used to think that everything was perfect. I was happy and you were always laughing with me. I used to think that it would always be about us, always and forever just you and me.
Now here I am looking at my own reflection, wondering where did I go wrong? My tears are blackening my face with the help of my mascara as the dark culprit.
Thinking of the lost memories, the days, the nights we shared. Was it worth anything to you? Your heart, your mind, did anything register? I'm confused, mimicking your character's stance. I'm fearful of tomorrow, the next day, the day after that....I'm afraid to let anyone else in...for the fear of another DISCONNECTION is something my worn broken tattered heart cannot go on like this anymore.

2/04/06

magically delicious

I was awakened by the beauty in the world today,
I fell in love with how the sun danced amongst the sepia tones of the earth.
I was amused with how the clouds tickled the blue sky, brushing by slowly, softly, gracefully....
As I smiled back at my picturesque portrait, a delicate rainbow smiled back at me and then quickly disappeared back into the heavens.
As I'm driving, watching the sun transform its stance within the world- I find myself so grateful that I am lucky enough to be apart of the magnificence of life.

Feb 19th 2006

Sugar and cream

Good Morning....
It's Early Morning....the sun has risen and I need coffee.
I can smile like there's no tomorrow. Everything seems brighter now and I have laughter to thank for that. I had a dream that didn't make sense, but it's okay because they seldom do.
I was just happy that I talked to you, that I got to say Hello one more time.
It's a new day, a new sun shining, and it's creating a soft color amongst the sky. It's beautiful to think of what there is to do today, on the way home it was raining. The song of the rain played loudly.
I could sing to the rhythm if I tried hard enough....however I think I'll just enjoy the view and smile once again.

March 6th, 2006

Chalk lines

oh this is new. a feeling of unknown---you're impressive on a level I've never seen.
It's going to take awhile to sink in though---oh oh oh
I am happy though...and I don't want it to go away.

Just take a walk with me
Hold my hand again, let me know you care
I asked the man in the moon last night, if this is the right thing to do, he seems to agree with me

Oh this is unreal, something scripted with lines
I'm drawing in the middle of the circle-
with chalk filled hearts and stars

A walking motion picture, staring at your eyes of glitter....
I'll smile with one thought of my new start...

oh but it will take some time to sink in I'm sure
Sometimes....I know....OH OH OH....yeah

----March 16th, 2006----

new day

oh i didn't see this coming along
i wasn't looking for this yesterday
but now that you're sitting here---sitting, smiling here
it's just one of those moments where I find myself asking---
Oh where were you yesterday? If I met you sooner I would have loved you yesterday.
But now I am standing here just looking forward to tomorrow, you're the one that I have met that's changed the way my heart looks at the day.

----April 3rd, 06-----

looking glass looking pass

time has been the only thing consistent in my life-
the passing of days and the ticking of clocks
looking back now i see a reflection of who i used to be
the image is smashed amongst a thousand different mirrors
the shards of glass only show a once known girl
someone who i miss every now and then
the blue room is changing colors
faded out by the train's distant whistle
falling leaves and faded blooms only time will tell
one simply assumes
there is nothing left in this jar of pain staking jelly
sweet sticky remains of seedless strawberries
picked with love and savored with every bite
my knife scrapes against the glass
searching for something more
looking past the stranger at my door---
out to a window of fresh air
only to inhale a deep breath of clarity (sigh*Ah! Air!)

surf a new wave

I was waiting for the red light ahead to turn into green
when looking around my car windows I am surrounded by
oversized disels. one standing out in each window
feeling trapped inside a white box I looked out at the sky....

I'm hungry and I have a diet pepsi sitting in my lap...
sipping bubbles through a straw, if only everything could be so simple.
it's hot and dry out side, the leaves occasionally move with the help of a slight breeze.

dusty cardboard

Today was just another day, filled with postcards and memories
Distant visions of the past, only to remember you by that Kodak smile
I put them all in a box and left it in the back of my car.
There's so much of my new life that's still so unorganized

Driving under the vast bridge, looking into the sky that's slowly sinking
Changing from day to night, blues to reds and yellows, and soon to be black.
I sigh again and tell myself not to go back.
There's nothing left for me---I chose to leave it there when I turned in the key.
I said good bye, I told myself I wouldn't cry.

A new beginning, a new life for sale.
The old one I've retired, the old one I've allowed it to die.
Rest in peace, it will remain a memory, another thing to add to the box

in denial

I can't believe this! I can't believe that you're telling me this again!
It's another day of your non enthusiasm, and it's ripping me apart.
I should have expected this- history repeats itself.


I should have known from the start.
I should have known that you would easily break my heart.
I should have predicted you would walk away and out that door, without even a glance back in my direction.
I should have known that, you would lie to me.
That you would deny me, the feelings you know you have for me.
There's no explanation for the pain you've caused, for all of us.


I should have protected myself with a shield of armor...reflecting the pains of amor...
I don't want to believe this, I don't want to live through this YET AGAIN.
I am tired of leaving my place of residency because of a broken heart...broken dreams, broken lease...broken things...

blonde noise

there's an unfamiliar noise inside my head.
the sand becomes lost between the cracks of a broken hour glass.
daily drum beats dance as my tears secrete...
I can only try to improve my ways, changing my ritual habits and undiagnosed disorders.
A mess I know I am for sure, but maybe you could help me?
Smile at me more, stop to say hello.
It's a dying planet and no one wants to be Superman.
I'm allergic to kryptonite- but addicted to speed.
The sun sets too quickly and rises even faster.
I can sit and watch the mannerisms float between one person and another.
It's a behavior problem that spirals into a riot of disaster.
Trees and telephone towers stare in awe, Innocent bystanders so to speak.
As the good Samaritan rule is laid to rest in a graveyard of despair.
All I can think is how can I get out of here?
I could walk for miles and would end up in a circle of hidden agendas and secret passwords.
I've got to tape my mouth shut just so i am not tape recorded and persecuted by a jury of hypocrites.
I could be sentenced to life in imprisonment---------no pain, no bail, no lies, no more anything, just me alone...still holding on my head.
Drill a hole inside and out, relieve the hot water boiling.
The noise won't diminish.

my walls illuminate with the cascading essences of the sun's beautiful rays. I could never imagine that this could be mine, so quaint and so happy. I lay on the couch and stare out at the mountains looking at the snow capped visual treat that I get to enjoy. When I was thinking of a place that could be mine I never envisioned a place that I can call home. you are the one that made this my home, the love that surrounds me, the laughter that is sunken into small crevices. I love you, I thank you....you made all this possible.

Apologetic tears

There are so many things lost deep within my own insecurities
it could be the very reason why I worry so much and sometimes
think so little
it's just that you brought to a simple place of reality
where it is okay to be happy, I am not used to feeling like this
I've hindered so much for so long
afraid of being hurt, being yelled at, being screamed at with voices of
hatred, anger and jealousy.
so much has happened to me, I've realized that I've slowly diminished
as a person, as a friend, as a daughter,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry, it's all I can seem to utter,
shaking and crying, I never knew so much damage could
happen in so little of a period of time.
it ruined me. Now I'm unsure of things, unsure of how to be
what should I say, what should I do, it's simplistic mannerisms
that now are actions of few.

Sappy love poem

Here I am again, standing in front of you
with no words to spoken, just an open heart in eyes view
tongue tied and sweaty palms-my mind seems to be wandering
I don't know why but knowing the right thing to say never was my thing

although every day you are my reason to smile,
the picture in my mind that makes things worth while,
it's still hard to bring those feelings to the table,
my mind can't seem to connect although my heart is able

the colors that have faded from my delicate lipstick roses
images of your face disappear as my eyelids close
it was a rough journey of pain and disorder that finally brought me back
back to where and with who I was always destined to be with, and that's a fact

I love you though, it's true more than words and pictures and kisses can show
I know I'm not the best at letting you know
I just wanted you to know that every day my love does grow
deeper than any ocean and wider than any open field

I'm too cynical for popularity
actions of singularity is more of a regularity
look past the obscurities
deeper within ones own liabilities
tried so hard to realize
what's important, try to prioritize
who's who, what's what
not easy to categorize
still even to this day I'm
ashamed to admit at my own dismay
I never have been able to display
the emotions, the characteristics portrayed...

Conflicted and jealous

Confused about your own life, let's go ahead and attack mine.
Let us look at the faults the flaws,
the problems I have residing within my own being.
Come join me at laughing, in being part of this comical charade
of how I try to be so graceful with my words,
so careful with my charismatics...
something that you will never understand.
The lively hood of my quest depends on the strength that I have when it comes to rejection.
So far I think I have passed it with flying colors,
this is not a CD that I have produced in a over priced studio,
singing words that someone else wrote for me to sing.
I've written, I've cried, and worked hard with everything
I have uttered from my chapped lips.
Pushing these feelings out through the keys,
mirroring the way that I feel with adjectives, verbs, and nouns,
yet another thing your simple mind could not comprehend.

Swing dance

Was I being selfish
only thinking of me
wanting nothing more
only to be happy
I gave up everything I knew
only for someone new
only hate is what I grew
between the glass I was thrown through

Push me swing me
I want to go outside
No I don't want to
I'm tired
Does anyone know what that means?

I've felt lonely for so long
barricaded inside where I was forced to belong
my weak arms were once strong
tell me, where did i go wrong?

Push me swing me
I want to go outside
No I don't want to
I'm tired
Do you know what that means?

Free from my jailhouse rock
ran away from the monstrous clock
no more restless nights of mental block
this life is worth more than I thought

push me swing me
yes push me higher
now that I can breathe
I am no longer tired
Does anyone know how that feels?

I know now how that feels
I know now
I know...

Faith No More

If there could be something to erase something to replace
the annoyance of a rapid racing pacing mind-
begging the question to rewind
take a step back in time
to search for a new place to find

stressed out frantic minds
slowly start to become blind
shut out from all existing memories
vague and indescribable mental pictures
cut and pasted to a new definition

copy righted and plagiarism- a new found faith
raped from a singing virgin
no one can see the pain in her eyes
drowned out from those in the choir
no one can hear her girlish cries

Bleeding gums- mumbled out lyrics
words of god, love, and salvation
words of the holy creation
not the truth of human deviation
or the mass murders killing our population

I've tried my hardest to listen to the songs
understand why so many have decided
to memorize these encrypted theories
the desire to belong
so few can actually decipher the truth
although they've taken a vow
most still are liars at heart
I realize still to this day I still stand apart.

cloned like a test tube baby
they do not know any better
only to follow in the foot steps of their leaders
born into conformity unwilling, unknowing,
only to become a mindless spineless form of controlled matter
pushed by faith, motivated by prayer, spoken for by God.

We'll sing another song

even though the world is still dying
she still resumes her crying
as the others are still trying
trying to convince me of change
to tell me my thoughts should be rearranged

to be molded into a jelly like figure
but my stubborn will remains to detour.

Self Indulgences

Rescue me from an unknown place
Save me from this dark desolate space
Awaken all that is alive in me
Stretch out my arms- surrender completely

Covered in sand and dead from the outside within
there is nothing I would or could need more in life
as a failure in time- I am the living dead
my hollowed soul will not follow
those who do will be rewarded
morbid eyes of beauty
seek the light at the end of the tunnel

my hands are tied- tight with conformity
transformed over night from his flock
to another heard of sheep
grouped together and no different from anyone else

Rescue me from this chamber of hell
I'm dying to be alive and no one can tell
Help me realize how wrong I really am
Help me understand what really is his plan

Even though I was told so many times
my brain doesn't seem to register
the importance, the possibilities
pushed aside for my own self indulgences

nothing can save me from this self inflicted pain
the disorder of living in denial
a torture only I know
something I fear I will always know

Rescue me , push me out the window
push me my heart will follow
I'll fall fast through the grim night sky
falling fast as gravity allows me to finally die.

I never wanted something so bad
Between the reflections of a mirror
and the stars luminous glow
I watched out my window
the red traffic lights
move slow-
dodge the rain clouds hovering above

I just washed my car
the glass was finally crisp
the sun dried the droplets into
ridiculous salty rings
they covered my roof, the hood,
even my pink tail lights

inside I'm safe
the crashing lightning bolts
Electric, wild, carefree, unwanted
fearless, radiant, beautiful

I never wanted something this bad
walking down the street, song in my head
whispering lyrics
remind me of you-
Wish I could close my eyes
and make this dream envisioned by
my own imagination an actual reality
a possibility
something worth my time
something that you could want too

I never wanted you so bad.

Nordstrom Rack

Maybe I was born to write
to express my feelings in the written form
it seems like it is the only thing that keeps me sane at times.
I don't know it just pours from my little head, the letters, the emotions, the every once in awhile I'll rhyme.
It's just recently I have had more on my mind and more of and itch to spill my thoughts out on the paper--
let the ink flow so to speak-

thoughts of my hidden achievements, the ideas of lost identities, the second guesses that I hold deep within myself.
I don't know where they come from, but late at night they are very much real within my own being.
I doubt myself every day the person I am, the person I am becoming, I don't know if I'm worth anything.
I worry about everything.
the way that the wind blows so hard at night. the way it bends the glass of my window ever so slightly.
No one really notices, but that is how I feel every day.
The way that verbal exchanges carefully bends my beliefs, my heart, my soul-

No wonder why I am "so sensitive"
I cannot disregard the meaningless, the senseless, reckless, careless, thoughtless, incidences that happen occasionally.
Thicker skin for sale---credit cards are maxed out.

Wait for the clearance racks to be full with the things I want, the things I guess I'm told I need.

BFF

as the days go by, I'll sit and remember you, the good times we had
yet as each day ends it's goes unsaid- those were the good days that are now dead.
it's sad when you think that you know someone - someone so well I say.

I will look the other way and try not to hold yet another grudge.
But how could you, as a person, as a friend, as a sister I never had.
Blindside, betray, lie and still to this day- not care.
My glass on the table is half full-
the sunset outside is reflecting all I could have ever felt for you.

Pink and yellow the once shared smiles
Red and orange now the hole you put in my heart-
the hole you bursted my bubble of what a true friend could really be.

Revenge, hate, disgust---don't call me anymore,
I won't return your email-
GO AWAY!!!!

Understand that there are no second chances when it comes to
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

Moon beams-and lucky charms

Reel me in hook line and sinker
Like an electric worm on a baited hook
Reborn late into the early night
transformed from golden shy rays of soft cascading light
into a free form of resonance
white, whole, whimsical and picturesque like
transitioned somewhere between heaven and earth
there is a place I finally feel at home-
although the walls are invisible and the roof is a thick blanket of stars
safety is dwelling amongst the hidden clouds
follow me, let me guide you-watch for the signs
Red-bright, shimmering STOP
Green-still stand still WAIT
I will whisper to you when the time is right, listen with your eyes
feel with your lips, taste life with your soul
Wake up and feel the cold water splash through your eyelashes
the world will cater to you if you let it
slowly as the clouds disperse becoming thin
translucent through the knife of lunatic melodies the moon sings
lullaby you to sleep, sends a message of peacefulness
not found in regular surroundings
this time it's not the crickets or the clocks rhythmic ticking that dances with the beating of my heart, but the very distant over sized night light
that has hugged me to my slumber-
the safety of mother nature kisses my forehead as father time closes my eyes

How do you tell yourself not to think
to stop pondering the question
the answer will find itself
everyday I lie awake thinking of you
the moon, the air I'm breathing
Restless and in need of sleep
I still lie awake
hoping you're thinking of me too
or if not that you're okay
that all is well
My feet are warm, the fan is spinning-
not as fast as the world but it's there
in a continuous motion
the only thing that is consistent in my life right now
that familiar humming of the blades as they cut through the still night air
the cords are hypnotizing- a sweet melody
still here awake daydreaming of sleeping
time still passing in the same way my heart is still beating
the way my mind is bleeding
wanting a break, a rest
time to relax and become one with the cotton stuffed my pillow
a new sanctuary for my insanity
close my eyes tight, become one with the springy foundation
that will cradle you to R.E.M.

vampiress feelings of the night

my coffin is lined with black licorice and formaldehyde
the shovels are digging deeper
i have to fill these cracks in the walls
splitting and breaking
white plaster chips sinking into the plush blanket of carpeted earth
i am wide awake with pain and betrayal
lies and deception
hate and revengeful thoughts
i cannot let the shackles of blame go unlocked
turning the keys in silence...

through the open night air and the white clouded sky line-
a drink in one hand and my heart exposed like an open wound.
It feels like fire, a cosmic fire that was sparked by you-
watching and smiling, the touch of your hand the kiss of your lips-

a look in your eyes can make me feel better than any gin and tonic-
I love you, i love moving with you, and singing with you-
driving with you, and just being with you-
it's a new hobby that I think I'm good at

De-oxygen-ized

Open that window and let the fresh air in-
I cannot take this smothered air-
hot, sticky and even THICK
It's to the point where a rock will need to shatter the glass-
the glass that is barricading me in-SIDE
I'll use my fist if I have to, whatever I need to do to get OUT!

I'm trapped though...yes I said trapped
easily defined-where's the key because the door is locked.
the window is sealed, go ahead bury me
ALIVE-

I have listened and watched
sat and even taken notes
noticed the small facial expressions that pass by each day
the frazzled faces that stress and cannot cope
even tried to deny the truth that I am one of them

My own worries are not as significant as those
those who are mothers, those who are fathers, their worries seem relevant
where as I am just a girl-
overacting, overstating, under minded, and unappreciated

Let me open that window-
let me fly away-
I'll kick it open if I have to
Let the shards of glass slice through the thin membrane of my skin
bleeding for air, for love, for acceptance, for HELP.

chips and salsa

Twirl me in a circle of simplicity, let me go with the twist of your wrist.
This life was made to dance in, to laugh and be free in-
leave me be I'll watch the sunset....the wars in my head will not be missed
as the bombs settle within the ground, my social liberties will begin.

Ringing of the phone- no it's destiny calling instead,
talking to the voices in my head
with thoughts of the color red-
bursting with feelings left unsaid-
unstated and far from dead.

Ticking of the clock- no it's the beating of my heart
rhythmic motion taking a slow start-
pulsating and pushing blood through my veins-
love is something you shouldn't try to explain

So small steps side by side my feet will move
Laughing at my past life, I've got nothing to loose-
just that I am happier now, it's easy to prove
Now that it's me and you....

a new diamond

I joined this team to extend my arms -
to perfect my game- the distance within.
I no longer work alone but amongst my friends.
I don't know that guy, but he looks familiar.
No he reminds me of that one guy I used to know.

Dirty and dusty slide home!
Up! Foul ball...no he was safe!- NO!
HE WAS OUT!

I know what I saw, I know I was right.
Blu called him out, so I guess I was wrong.
My team still won, it was just a game of fun.
I get to unwind, loose sight of reality and just PLAY.

Good game, see you later
we could always use another player..
give me a call-

We'll just play ball.....

Flipper

I'm tired with the daily rituals of life-
here we go again, the traffic in my eyes view-
the smog like atmosphere--breath it in and out
the alarm clock of my life rings with curiosity-
tick, tick, tock tock- RING---get up and GO!!

Spinning like a vintage top- colors of yellow and blue-
twirling together creating a vivid new green-
I've been witnessing new feelings right in front of me-
they bounce, and giggle, twirl and fling
I find myself asking the question
is this really happening?

In the midst of the weeks mundane details-
I carry my duties lighter than before-
my stressed out muscles are falling into a new form of
TRANQUILITY
My eyes now close at the right times and my slumber like motions
carry throughout the night-

I was hanging by a tethered rope-
strangled in every possible way-
torn, lied to, hated, mis-treated like a starving bum-
now cut by the hands of time
I've been released into the water like an orphaned dolphin
this water tastes so good-
salty and clouded with kelp-
I'll float here for a while and enjoy the ride

Cast off into the sunset and have my silhouette painted
across a sand dollar and sold in a store
spread the joy found within a swim-
the splashing and refreshed feelings of a new beginning.

mommy dearest

deep inside the walls of my heart
I've been burning inside with anger and resentment
unable to replace my evil temperament-
the thoughts of my past intercept my willingness to move on-
I've tried so hard to make things right, for some reason it just is not working out.

Bye I'll see you later- I'm going to dinner
5 hours later the house is empty the mouths of the walls scream
tick tick - time is passing on
being alone and only fourteen- i make my own dinner
i hate you

I was young and naive- i didn't care then
now i see how much pain you've actually done to me,
the littlest things, not being home, not knowing what's going on in my life-
just being a little reckless by wearing my heart on my sleeve-

bye I'll see you later- go to school- i won't be home-
go to your dads, i hate your dad,
I'm with him, you can't go- you are mine
I hate you

doors that have been closed off and locked for all these years,
it's been shut down and blocked with barriers-
I'd rather be locked inside and safe from being hurt-
you never realize how something will affect you

spellbound at midnight

Hypnotize me with your vocalists lyrics
possess me with your thoughts and ideas
shape my misshaped body
into what you desire
my cationic membranes that lack a heart beat
the zombie like limbs that the graves sent into exile
infuse my brain with the knowledge you choose-
I'm breathing for you now
What is my life to YOU?
the hands of time are shifting forward
teaching me what new values and roles should be displayed
lesson by lesson- pass or fail
attempting to rise against the holy rail
as a good girl I'll wag my tail
as I close my eyes, there will be no avail.

Alive with anxiety

The walls of the intellectual tissue pulsate
--even still at two am---
the only lullaby it has is a windy road with flashing lights
blinking and flirting with the sound playing its heart out INSIDE---
as the tail lights wave back at my eyelashes winking smile
why is everything so vivid
the world is at its slumber
and my mind it still ticking with wonder
the images projected are clear
insomnia is what I'll always fear
restless and unintentional it seems it always happens---
this girl's mind can never sit still
I'm lost in the dark
I'm at the end of my rope
in a world filled with chaos how will I ever cope?

Curfew! Times up-
and with every stroke of luck
we are short to realize what life holds as
the ULTIMATE prize.
either of LOVE or HATE
we have to learn how to separate
what is important to US
happiness today or happiness tomorrow?
or an empty life of pain and SORROW?

Cynical Cinderella

Theatrical romances, happily ever afters
are false ideas that impregnate sappy minds
Rescue me oh prince charming-
so swift and daring
how handsome and caring
my innocence is shrinking
as my wings of lust are quickly blooming
floating away on cloud nine
oh prince charming will you be mine?

So sad are we
that we somehow fail to see
the truth the reality
life itself- the gravity we really do need.

Fiji

you're the apple of my eye
delicious and ripe with color
i see you in a shiny new light
one i thought i'd never discover
it glistens like sand passing through my hand
like soapy water in a cup
pinging and singing a sweet new song
with each ripple against the rim
hold your breath and dive in

pressed together hands
slicing through the water
the humming of your voice
dances in my ear
open your eyes
and come up for air

star gazer

the white lines of the road seemed clearer than ever-
the realization that everything is okay makes me smile.
I was just walking one day and bumped into you- it looks like fate wanted me to meet you.
convincing a pessimist is hard to do-
although I'm starting to believe that it is really true.

the moon was so bright the other night that it made my eyes blurry.
the small insignificant rings that surrounded it waved at me.
I didn't wave back, I Just looked at it and sighed.
the cold crisp night air filled my lungs, and I wished upon a shooting star.

Star light star bright-
last star I watched tonight-
You brought me luck you brought me faith-
thank you for this beautiful place

the warmth of your hands, the kiss of your lips-
blinded by the solar eclipse-
so strong of a force so natural of light-
I always knew this felt right.

ah to be that girl

down by the sea side the atmosphere was sticky from the salt in the air
she walked by and broke off a flower from the near by vine
as the sun was setting she sighed and placed the purple bloom in her hair.
the soon to be evening sky was clear, the clouds were scattered thin
exchanging their shape with new colors on their skin
the over sized star of glowing yellow and oranges sank slowly into the hills
a breeze blew on by and gave her brownish complexion chills.

there's nothing to do in this small town
too simple for words, too complex for meaning
no where to go, and nothing to see

she sat on the dock, and played with a pebble that was left behind.
she rolled it on her finger tips, touching the wet wood
her eyes were set onto the emptiness of the water
small currents began to move with the motions of the delicate wind
she sighed again, and threw the pebble into the water
the splashing softened and made endless ripples
small stretching to big, and big becoming large,
until it was oversized and it reached her feet.

Her ears awakened with the familiar noises voiced by the night life
frogs singing to their mates, and crickets playing their symphonies
the radiant glowing that beamed from the fireflies-
a display of luminosity not worth missing.

so simple a thought, a place in time worth creating
the stresses of life that can be over powering
a nice escape from reality.

death by chocolate

So it seems like it’s just another story,
One that is nothing but an allegory
Filled with lies, deceit, failure
False alibis, false witnesses, nothing seems to be what it is
Homicide, suicide, the tales that are filled with carnage
All indeed coincide with the way we truly live our lives.

The bombs that explode and the minds that implode.
It’s the sickness within that makes it all an ongoing sin.
Daily defeats, sorry retreats, the world is vanishing as we speak.
The rat race we all belong to, to make an earnest buck
Soon to realize that no one gives a fuck.
There’s nothing else to live for, live for your self.

Whose turn is it? Let’s hurry it up.
There are millions of John Does, lying around the forest
They were all killed- their simple minds spilled.
The veins of their brains, seeping out into the ground
Some are unlucky never to be found.
No finger prints, no evidence around.

Professions of lawyers, doctors, and cops- they will diagnose this corpse.
It was an accident, it was murder, it was revenge, it was a game.
Doesn’t matter to the victim it’s all the same.
The ending of their life on this god forsaken world,

The dead is conscience of nothing, completely at peace.
They become souls of solitude, unaware of what has happened.
No memory of what was done to them, as gory and treacherous as it may be.
Lucky them, never have to live another day in misery.

lost and desolate desires
chase away these unwanted fires
the hurtful and deceptive liars
the tears that burn and make me a crier
the strong will in my heart that makes me a fighter.
words of wisdom written by a writer;

easier said than done, prophets who will succeed
they are deficient in the profuse knowledge of decree
In all reality it is the passion we all need
the wanting to live and breath
the patience to see what each day can bring.

a prescription can be filled
your mother would be thrilled
the same day your daughter is killed
and the blood is spilled

the wrath that is met
and the room that was unkempt
it's a madness of mind games
sand traps of quick sand
the world's evil plan
it's a vicious terrorist clan
to ruin what it was and what it could have been
the ultimate pay back from the original sin

an eye through a key hole peering into the unknown
who is that?
where are you going?
what are you doing?
a canary in a cage
singing to the blind
is this what my life was destined to become
bars of entrapment looking back at me
the walls of insanity are closing in
padded rooms bounce off unexpressed emotions
although simply stated they can not be filtered through an empty sieve
admitted into an asylum forced to believe
fat from the noise- ready to conceive
from conception to deception
back to being re born and forgiven
all the regret is still alive
nothing has been forgotten it all still remains
everything I ever felt is still the same
the smell of the walls makes me sick
space is too thin
I'm claustrophobic and irritated
everything touched or said
is another disturbance in my head

Cineplexing vs. just being

You looked so good sitting next to me
Driving to nowhere
Smiling for nothing.
What movie should we see-whatever is playing I don't care.
It's just a ticket of an excuse to hold your hand.
Lights are dimming, and now it's just me and you.
Tonight there is nothing I would rather do.
Movie light is so flattering, the way it bounces off our skin.
I can smell salt and mustard floating in the air.
I can hear the rattling of ice over the flick's melodious orchestra.
I can feel my heart beating with contentment
It's been a while in more ways than one.

Will you hold my hand one last time?
Will you kiss me during the love scene again?
This is all I ever wanted, it's all I ever needed.

So let's ditch this cliche of a first date
Customized things in a way we can relate
It's all about just hanging out not what we're doing or where we'll be going.
Not where we eat or what movie was showing,
We're better than that, simplicity in its best form.
The night has just started as far as I'm concerned,
the best part of the night, just getting closer to you.
There is nothing that I would rather do.
I can feel your arms holding me tight.
I can hear the soft sounds of the house all through the night.
I can see what this night means to me.

Will you hold my hand one last time?
Will you kiss me during the love scene again?
This is all I ever wanted, it's all I ever needed.

You're all I ever wanted, you're all I ever needed.

Beautifully disguised

outstretched and scattered
thin and somewhat whimsical
stran by stran, piece by piece
the invisible tightrope is woven
no particular pattern, shape or size
large or small depends on the dweller
as water touches the soft yet durable surface it is exposed
the droplets run slowly down to the center
each tiny individual segment glistens and dances in its own unique way
the mini rainbows that form inside of them-
the reflections they create inside the world of the threaded web
so beautiful the way it is captured by the light-
so beautiful the way the spider doesn't even realize it.

Fluttering on by

It's hot today- the sun is blistering
there is a soft breeze it's hidden amongst the leaves of the trees.
I can feel it though, it's nice.

The skies are slowly getting bluer, the clouds are white and puffy.
In fact I think the flowers are even starting to bloom again.
The petals are bright, the smell is heavenly-
things actually are starting to get back to normal.

Each day is a new day- starting to realize that as well.
I am happier to notice the little things that I used to be too busy to appreciate.
I saw a butterfly flutter on by, the simplistic way its wings flapped.
Up and down, back and forth, a rythmatic motion of peacefulness.
I wish I could have bottled it up and saved it for a rainy day.

Tried to be perfect and I failed,
I lost the puzzle piece I was searching for, nothing is left the picture is unfinished, so my future is unclear, all I do is make the wrong choices, and decisions, my feelings are confused themselves never knowing how to act or un act, say or what not to say, everything is in a disarray
My face is bleeding for attention, the scars are visible not going to heal the way you want them.
So nervousness sets in and my stomach is bouncing in knots what did I do now? I messed it up again.
Nothing I do is right; I really do feel like a failure, one that has been overwhelmed for quite some time.
Ringing in my ears makes it worse; I hate the 3 charm sound that buzzes so frequently.
Instantly my heart races I am saddened by everything that I do, there’s nothing that makes me feel better about myself.
A well beaten path that my heart follows so well, it goes one way but everything else is walking to a different beat of a drum.
Some one smack me, I’m really looking for that lost needle in the haystack, I’m a clueless girl that can play the part really well.
Zero sleep and still going strong, when will I ever belong?

Tick Tock

As the sand falls quickly through the hour glass of life,
the beating of my heart becomes more rapid.
The minutes in a hour change to mere seconds
as time itself evolves into thin air.
Its hard to keep my head above the water
as the weights around my ankles keep pulling me down.
Grasping for air seems hopeless as the salty liquid embraces my lungs.
No time to sleep, think, let alone breathe.
Everything is spinning in a fast forward motion,
my life has flown by and I have nothing to show for it.
As the sand falls quickly over my casket
I cannot remember the life I once had.
Time controlled it, seized it in handcuffs and threw away the key.
And now I’ll know nothing but misery.

Madness

What started out as the beginning now feels like the end.
All that is familiar has now become distant and unknown.
It’s lost among the darkness of my lonely heart.
When will the path be lightened and easy to follow?
Where will is lead us?
Straight and forward to the gold at the end of the rainbow?
Or to an end that is dead.
I am saddened by the abnormalities of my days.
My sunshine has faded to a still black cloud covering the blue skies ahead.
The questions in my mind are left unanswered, maybe so it will ease the pain of the cold harsh sting that the truth may bring.
Protection of the heart is a must, so that survival is possible.

10/31/02

Lost

What was originally set forth by fate?
Who was I destined to become?
Lost in a world filled with regret and failures, daily experiences have proven what that may be.
Not what was intended, but what was available at the time. The time within itself has faded and died.
There never seems to be a dull moment. Everything always seems to go wrong; I tried to work hard to make everything go right.
No matter which way the road winds it turns into a dead end.
The railroad signs are flashing; do not enter caution signs read…

I guess I left my glasses at home, because I missed all the clues to cracking the case to the everyday mystery of my so-called life.
Wandering questions swarm my already congested head.
Tylenol slowly dissolves my burning membranes that have been swelling with confusion.
Someone told me that life wasn’t easy, but I didn’t know it can be so hard.
I thought something would be on my side every once in awhile.

Fox 11 at 7

Good morning this is the daily news, sadly to report to you about our dying society. The world as we know it is absolutely destroyed. Not as a country but as a civilization. The minds of the youth are brain washed from pop culture and the new fads of fashion. Let us not forget to mention the disgrace to the book of manners that our grandmothers once sat down and wrote. Please and thank yous, used to be a must but now nothing more than a perk. What has happened to us? Does anyone hold the door open for you anymore? Does anyone know what it is to be courteous? Or are we as a “whole” just a whole bunch of perfectly spaced twelve inches away from each other individuals? It is amazing how walking next to someone is now considered a crime to another person, don’t dare bump into them! It is their right to have that personal space! How dare you! That should be at least three years in a maximum confined prison! Rudeness is now a way of life. Speak up for your self. Don’t let him boss you around. You have rights you know, as a woman, as a student, as a child, as a teacher, as a African American, as a criminal, as a victim…so it seems the rights are endless. Sure born in America land of the free, home of the brave. Yet the conformity that seems to bleed from the veins of those same Americans, have forgotten all of that. They now dwell off of the rectangular green squares of freedom that float into their ten digit accounts every week.They are lost little sheep in the meadows of greed and selfishness.

Blinded by the light

In that one single moment of time everything I ever knew flashed before my naïve eyes.
I thought this would never have happened that I was somehow protected from anything bad that could ever happen.
You proved me wrong simply by breaking my heart.
I didn’t get mad- I was too occupied by the falling of my tears.
In that one moment of time- the world stopped, I think I even forgot how to breathe.
Nothing mattered anymore; all I wanted was to hold you-
The distance between us held me back, it’s too late now
My wounds have actually healed.
The pain has dissolved – sugar like and now sweeter than ever my wise eyes see the world.
Happiness is a definite road block in my future.
Even though the scars of my heart are healed, the memories in my mind still replay the snapping of my soul once in a while.
I guess to bring me to reality of the way things are and should always be.

taking it slow

Although we are obviously great together
Because of unresolved issues amongst our past
The once cried tears and angry eyes are filled with tranquility
Although we go back farther than time can tell-
It is something that we need to take even more time with.
This time it is more important than ever to make this right.
To grow within our selves and to know what we want, instead of living the lives that other people have wanted us to live.
We are taking a stand.
An amazing stand with our hearts, our minds, and our souls.
Time will tell- and as the hour glass slowly fills
We will know when it is the right time to slowly take things to a new level of happiness.
Although I know that we are meant to be-
that we have the love that it is clear to see
I will do what ever it takes
Because you mean so much to me.

rehab

6/1/2004

Hello my name is Jenell
and believe it or not I am a sensitive junkie
who is addicted to pain-
hooked up on morphine and Kleenex boxes
track marks on my heart
delivered straight from Cuba
all shattered and dismantled
A replacement can be there tomorrow @ 8:00 am fedx approved
sign on the dotted line

we'll all be fine
it will just take time

Roll the dice

Racing and Pacing dodging the question
I don't' know
I'm lost in this candy apple of a town
I'm all sticky from the sun and I'm being eaten alive.
There's no one to blame
only myself who threw away the map.
Gave up on knowing the way-
wanted to have fun by being adventurous
Now I am sorry
Wish there was another way
the road has a fork in it
I have no chance of choosing the right way

Time's up- DING!
Wrong you lose
you suck! It's up to you to know this!
How can you mess this up?- It's easy!

Loser, Loser, Loser

Game over....

6/1/2004

I feel bad for not feeling bad
Although a weight has been lifted- I too am dying inside
Walking away from familiar to unknown and shady black
It is hard to see the good in everyday normalcy.
However I was told I had to do this- not by the voices outside
but the voices in my head.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad.
I'm so sorry-
Weirdness is all I know now.
I'm not used to these walls the plainness scares me.

Will I be okay?
Will I be happy?
Will this be the way it's supposed to be?
If it's not where will I go?

The other side is not always greener
it's always lonelier.

Guilty Conscience

There is a certain amount of guilt that coincides with the emotions that we feel daily.
Did I really hurt them that bad? It was really my fault wasn't it?
To have to stare at your own reflection in the face-
and face the truth that you can't handle what life threw at you-

An unlucky sort of problems that never worked themselves out.
They only got worse as the day grew into lonely nights.
The guilty tears that fill the wet pillows at night-
the fan that dries them slowly as the eyelashes stick together from the salty saturation.

Guilt is the emotion that floods these eyes.
That you could break a heart so easily with out a care
or a sign of doubt.
If it was so easy was no real love ever dispersed?
Or was it all an illusion of faith that ran too thin?
It disappeared like a crescent of a moon behind a dark cloud-
No wind to be found.

June 1st 2004

JDH

09th June 2004


Chaos and disorder, a new life I want to reorder.
I don't know where to go from here, it's so hard to try and start over.
A new place, a new face, now I'm feeling like a headcase.

Talking on the phone all night and trying to figure out what's right. It's all new feelings that are beginning to show.
Lost feelings from long ago.
It's unclear what used to be known to me, but it's okay I can wait and see.
The world is spinning, fast, faster, fastest...time is too expensive- something so rare can be at times.

Paralleling lives that have so much in common, it's easier to get through all this crazy relationship drama.
Appreciation, satisfaction, even the non confusion are the new emotions I have to learn the meaning of.
Although it's still are hard to accept them from within, after the way I've lived before I made this remarkable transition.

It's not easy, it's not fair, but it's my life.
I hold the reins in my hands.
I can actually say I have control for once.
My plane is not crashing into a mountain of madness- so far it's smooth sailing from this day forward.
Out to a little place my heart wants to call Paradise-
wherever that may be, where ever it may lead me,
I'm just going to make sure that I am happy.